I showed him my bush... on skype.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Randomize