Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
