apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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