but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
...so i touched it.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
