Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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