I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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