i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
