Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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