I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
