saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
