You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
