I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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