He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
