I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
