I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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