My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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