The best revenge is premature balding
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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