he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
how does that bad decision feel?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
