I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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