you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
