remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
