its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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