i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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