She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
