dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
