I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
