he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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