cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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