my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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