awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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