Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
