Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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