Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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