Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
