Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
