But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
my poor anus
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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