I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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