If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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