He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
