You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize