So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
