but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
