Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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