I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
