just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Come share oat with me in your robe
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
