Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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