Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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