i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
