K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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