Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
