She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
