you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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