Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize