I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
