Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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