What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
