dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
