When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Ladies don't puke and tell
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
