I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
