I showed him my bush... on skype.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
It was confusing and full of hummus
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
