Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
