It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
