Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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