Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
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